Laugh It Up, Jabroni

    Chef Riley is thankfully not as scary as our initial impression made him seem.  Chef Riley has a very calm voice when he gives each team their directions. Even when something goes wrong, he does not scream, yell, or tell you "your a screw up" (censored version) the way other chefs do. This is not to say, however, that he does not thoroughly enjoy messing with us. He has a way of making up elaborate lies and gets us to agree with him unquestionably. When he messes with you his face exhibits that same calm, collected demeanor. That's how he lures you in. You cannot distinguish between his serious face and his "I'll get you to believe whatever I say" face. 

"Go aheed an tri tu reeed my pokair face comrade"

EXAMPLE 1: Chef Riley gathered me and the rest of the protein/sauce team and began explaining how he wanted us to clean mushrooms.

Chef Riley: "Ok so I want you to fill up a sink and add enough flour to the water until it becomes milky, then add the mushrooms and let them sit. The dirt will sink to the bottom and you will pick up the clean mushrooms with a spider strainer. Now, why do we add flour to the water chefs?"
                       (looking straight at us)
Team: "Uhhhhhh..."
Chef Riley: "Well the process is very interesting actually. The CIA has very special sinks with thick bottoms. The flour reacts with the metal in the sink to create a magnetic pull. This process physically pulls the dirt off the mushrooms and when the dirt sinks to the bottom is is magnetically stuck there. Whats even more interesting is that this magnetic force makes the water circle around in a clockwise motion almost like a mini tornado."
Team: "Woahhhh"
Me: "THAT'S INCREDIBLE CHEF!!! Is there a name for this process??"
Chef Riley: "Yeah...its called, your all idiots for believing every word I say. I cant believe the four of you actually believed all that"

    He continued on to explain that the real reason why the flour is used is because it acts as an abrasion which subtly scrubs the dirt off the mushrooms (still kinda cool). Riley told us that the reason why he made up the story was because simply telling us how to do it would only give us one way of looking at things--the correct way. The purpose of the whole thing was to get us to try and look at things from different angles. To see why some things work and why other things do not work. Chef Riley: 1, Team: 0

"I can't believe you fell for that"

EXAMPLE 2: So I am searing off giant boneless pork loins (which we fabricated) in an even larger machine called a "tilt skillet" (a massive flattop that tilts to drain off all the oil and such) just as chef directed when he walks over to me.
Chef Riley: "WHY ARE YOU SEARING THE PORK FAT SIDE DOWN FIRST!?!?!"
Me: "Because that's how your supposed to do it chef?"
CR: "What would make you think that??"
Me: "I donno, I guess I was misinformed chef...I won't happen again" (its best not to give excuses to your chef, just admit you made a mistake and move on)
CR: "No, explain it to me. I want to know why you chose to do something like this!"
Me: (clearly wetting my pants now) Well you always sear the fat side down first chef. You want to render the fat first so when you flip it over you get all that flavor and rendered fat to help sear better...right?"
CR: "Your sure that's what your supposed to do?"
Me: "I thought that's how you do it chef. I thought that's how they taught us. I am wrong. I'll fix it next time chef."
CR: "No you were right, but by prodding you a little bit I was able to get you to change your answer, even though you were correct. Be confident in your explanations."
 Chef Riley: 2, Me: 0

    Although I was right the first time chef decided to mess with me. I gave a good explanation but his relentless poker face made me change my mind and make me think I was wrong. Riley doesn't just mess with you for the sake of messing with you. He messes with you so you understand why you do things. Every story he makes up, everything he does to try and throw you off your groove is so that you learn something in the process. He is not just doing these things for "shits and giggles". I really value that about him. Still, between the mushroom fiasco and the proper meat searing he made us look like a bunch of jabronies...

 Jabroni: (noun) Made famous by the wrestler/actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

1.  One who is not good at his chosen profession or current task.
2. a wrestler with no shtick, no costume, and a lame name like "john evans", going up against a real wrestler lkie "hulk hogan" or "the rock". a jabroni may get in a couple good moves, may even get into a 'near-pin' situation, but will ultimately lose. why? he's a fuckin' jabroni!
3. a poser, one without an identity.
4. fodder for the ring. see 'dead meat'
                             (Thanks to www.UrbanDictionary.com for the official definition)

    During service Chef overheard Eric and I talking about hooping it up after class and he inquired if we would like to challenge him to a friendly game of basketball. We happily accepted. "Alright, I put you in my planner for Wednesday 3 O'clock. You guys better show up now", Riley boasted before going to mess with someone else.
     The way I see it, how he would perceive us in class from here on out heavily weighs on how well we handle ourselves on the court. If we show some swagger on the court he will know we are coordinated in the kitchen and in turn view us as better cooks. If we loose, well we're just a bunch of Jabronies after all..."Friendly game" my ass. There is just too much at stake here! We'll see who gets the last laugh Chef Riley... 

   

"Chef, your so screwed"