Federal Offense Part II: New Blood

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2010: The mystery of which college roommate put peanut butter in the refrigerator goes unsolved (see Federal Offense post to read all about it...its probably my greatest post to date just so you know).

2012: A new crime is committed. One far more sadistic and diabolical than the original. And the culprit is still at large.

April 25, 2012: The league of crime stoppers are called back to solve the case....

    A couple of months ago I noticed a side towel missing from my laundry. Whenever you put laundry in the wash someone will inevitably take it and put it in the dryer for you because everyone is vying for the washer spots. A kind gesture, until one of my side towels went missing (they're like gold around here). I assumed it got mixed in with someone's pile of laundry by mistake, which happens from time to time. There was a time when I was folding laundry and found a red laced thong amongst my clothing. Oops? Clothing stuck in the washer or dryer can cling to your laundry everybody knows that, so I didn't think a missing side towel was devious in nature until it happened again...
    Last week I put a load of my chef uniforms in the wash late at night because I had run out and needed a clean uniform for class at 5am the next morning. I put my wash in the dryer and planned to pick it up right before bed. I grabbed my laundry and brought it back to my room to begin laying out my uniform for the next morning. I noticed another side towel missing and thought it simply got mixed with another load of laundry. Then I noticed that more things were missing. The joker also took my ONLY apron and neckerchief. To make matters worse they took my GOOD side towel and left behind the one that was burned with a giant hole in the middle. They were toying with me...

Wait...someone steals...laundry?

    Here it is, past midnight and I had one burned side towel and no apron or neckerchief for class less than six hours away. Fuck this guy. Luckily my roommate was still awake and let me borrow his apron and neckerchief until I could go buy new ones. The following afternoon after class I walked into the bookstore to purchase my stolen goods. The neckerchief was bulky and difficult to tie, and the apron had strings that weren't long enough to tie in the front; forcing me each day to ask someone to tie my apron for me (I can't tie a loop behind my back tight enough). Everyday I am forced to wear my thick neckerchief and untieable apron, and everyday I am forced to remember that some Jabroni stole my shit. "They didn't just take my things...what they took was my piece of mind!"

I wouldn't even steal laundry...

    If anyone has any information on this laundry bandit, or know who it is, I don't want my stuff back. I just want you to punch them in the face for me...and then stub their toe because, I mean WHO DOES THAT? My old college roommates and I were robbed twice in Buffalo while we were home for break and those robbers actually took real things (except for paint supplies and a carpet washer...I still donno what that was about?) They took TVs, a tool set, my boss speakers + subwoorfer , printer, my expensive watch, etc. Although we were all pissed at the time, those were REAL things you steal. You don't steal LAUNDRY! That's just evil...

"But he stole my LAUNDRY!"